Ubiquitous

I don’t know what’s wrong with my orthodontist. At my appointment today, I told her that I need my braces off by May since I’ll be out of the country for a month (she actually first told me that I could have them off by last October, then March, then April…).  So she says something about “picky, crazy schedules” - yes, I’m so glad MY life isn’t monotonous and repetitive like yours, dear orthodontist!

Then I ask about follow-up appointments after I get them off, and mentioned in passing that I may not be available for a year. She inquires what school I’m going to, and I tell her Cal, most likely. It would’ve been great if she left it at that, but nooooo, this lady who’s been nice and cheerful for the past two years suddenly goes on this huge rant about Cal and how it’s gonna brainwash undergrad students like me and how its liberal influence will result in me cutting off all communications with my family and ruining my future prospects in marriage (”Just like York University in Ontario, my friend’s daughter went there!” she says).  First of all, wtf?! I never asked for her opinion so why give it, especially when I’m paying her (and her huge assistant staff) $6000 to do their jobs! She barely knows anything about me yet she insists that “don’t think that the liberal campus won’t effect you and turn you into someone else, because it will!”. She apparently visited it the campus with her daughter a few years back and her husband was highly offended that they even went there (gee, I wonder where her daughter ended up going, the ultra conservative local community college?). It’s a public education institution for God’s sake, not a hippie sex corner where radical young people riot all day!

In addition, there was also a mini-lecture about how “education won’t bring you happiness… trust Dr. - (she often talks about herself in third-person like I’m a little kid), I have blah blah blah many degrees and I’ve seen what happened to people I know!”

Wow, are people now-a-days in this industry SO TERRIFIED of and SO AGITATED over losing a customer that they will proceed to rant about stupid topics?! Ugh, get a grip woman!

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SPENT THE WHOLE BLOODY MORNING TYPING A PIECE OF WRITING ONLINE.

Dad comes to check his bloody email and CLOSES ALL OF MY TABS without saving.

AKSDFJLASKDFJLSADJFLKASDJFLSAK. And what’s his response when I just totally lost it? “It’s your fault you didn’t save it.” Can’t he even just say a simple sorry and I don’t know, offer an extension on my computer time? Oh yes, it bloody well is my fault for thinking the best of people.

This is just a part of my accumulation of misery. The rest…

Dear mum and dad, WHY THE HECK WON’T YOU DO THE FINANCIAL AID FORMS FOR ME? They specifically ask for PARENTS to do them, so why do you give me a ten minute screaming lecture every time I ask you the lease on our car or our mortgage? Isn’t it enough that I do them when other parents offer their kid to fill in the bloody complicated forms? AREN’T I SAVING YOU MONEY BY APPLYING TO FINAID? Oh and your excuse is … “you’re not going to get into any of those universities so why bother with the tax forms?”. It’s not like I even asked you to help with the application procedure that bogged up my entire winter break. You make me type up useless charts documenting what I’ve spent on application fees, SAT tests, and postage, and don’t give it a second look when I print off pretty pie graphs for you. I emptied out half of my meagre savings because I supposedly “over spent the budget”.

Of course, it’s all my fault.

You nag me constantly about the pettiest things, and it never, ever, ends. You were critical when I had perfect marks. You were critical when I was nine and I had to make rice every night for dinner when all the other kids were outside playing tag. You were critical when I complained about moving from city to city every few years, never staying at a school for more than two years. It’s like you have a self-recording list inside your heads and you recite off of them loudly to each other in the other room so that I could hear. SAY IT TO MY FACE IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS. Everytime I’m sad or mad, why do you think it’s something at school, and not you guys who are the problem?

Of course, it’s all my fault.

People wonder why I’m so critical of others and now I know: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Out of all of this, can’t you tell that I am, and will always be, most critical on myself?

That’s my fault too.

You know so little about my life, yet attempt to spy and control so many aspects of it. You don’t know that I rarely say extreme things because I’m afraid of regretting them later, like now. You don’t know that I see myself as a silly little girl who has too many pointless problems. You don’t know that I cry myself to sleep on way too many nights. Too stupid. Too lazy. Too useless. That’s all you know.

When I stay up late to finish projects and assignments, DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT I ENJOY THEM?! It’s for the sake of finishing and for good marks that I bother. Ah but yes, I procrastinated.

Of course, it’s all my fault.

You think I spend so much time online because it’s brainless fun. Entertainment. You think I blog because I’d rather not do homework. You think I blast my music because it’s rebellious behaviour. The truth is, I’m avoiding the world and avoiding the persona I put on for the world. There are so many parts of me that I despise, and yes, I am a very insecure person. There, I said it. Mum and Dad, why do you turn everything I tell you to some sort of moral lesson that will make me feel bad about myself? I used to trust with my entire heart and soul. Now, if I confide in someone, will that secret come to haunt me in ages and ages hence? I hate it when people tell me they are “proud of me”, because those are the words that my parents uttered with a plastic smile in public to other parents and their children. I hate people’s pity. I’m sorry.

On a day to day basis, it’s pathetic that it’s my history teacher who asks if I’m doing okay. Why won’t you, or any of you for that matter, believe me when I say that I volunteer not for CAS hours or some other stupid shit this education system imposes upon us, but for the knowledge that I gave me time to a greater purpose, instead up wallowing in self-pity?

My fault, really.

To be continued when I give a damn.

Blogged on a Saturday morning, feeling like a self-absorbed idiot.

Popularity: 38%

Isn’t it odd when an unusually large number of people have their birthday on the same day? Yesterday was my dad’s birthday (along with a handful of classmates’) and my family went to dine at the highest revolving restaurant in downtown Vancouver, called Cloud Nine. Fortunately, we had the first clear day in the past few weeks and got a gorgeous view of Downtown Vancouver, the English Bay, and North Van. It spins quite slowly so the visitors won’t get dizzy - about an hour to go around 360 degrees. I was laughing at my mum because halfway through dinner, she thought she left her purse on the window ledge (only the inner ring spins, the centre and the windows stay still) and nearly had a heart attack. It was under the table, thank goodness .

Later mother dearest was commenting how the view from our own house isn’t bad either.

Mum: YES! I measured the other day, we have a 220 degree view from our balcony!
Me: Mum, you geometry nerd! [she’s an architect LAWL]
Dad: Too bad it doesn’t revolve, maybe you can spin yourself…

My family amuses me. Next week, there are my six mock exams, and I have drawn up the schedules (which I’ll probably never follow but oh well!). Luckily - can one really call this *lucky* - we’re exempt from classes next week and get a note to go home tomorrow telling those IB Parents how their sons and/or daughters will be going through the first ring of hell before long.

IB Coordinator, this cool British Doctorate: You must take this note home to your parents. We don’t want you running around the corridors when you finish your mocks, because people tend to gather in the corridors while classes are still in session.
Me: ZOMG! HE SAYS “CORRIDOR” INSTEAD OF “HALLWAY” LIKE PEOPLE IN HARRY POTTER! *SQUEEE*
My friend: Uh… yes… Crystal…
Rest of class: *thinks* wtf is she on… *goes back to studying calculus*

Gotta love sudden outbursts!

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