Miserable

// March 8th, 2008 // Personal

SPENT THE WHOLE BLOODY MORNING TYPING A PIECE OF WRITING ONLINE.

Dad comes to check his bloody email and CLOSES ALL OF MY TABS without saving.

AKSDFJLASKDFJLSADJFLKASDJFLSAK. And what’s his response when I just totally lost it? “It’s your fault you didn’t save it.” Can’t he even just say a simple sorry and I don’t know, offer an extension on my computer time? Oh yes, it bloody well is my fault for thinking the best of people.

This is just a part of my accumulation of misery. The rest…

Dear mum and dad, WHY THE HECK WON’T YOU DO THE FINANCIAL AID FORMS FOR ME? They specifically ask for PARENTS to do them, so why do you give me a ten minute screaming lecture every time I ask you the lease on our car or our mortgage? Isn’t it enough that I do them when other parents offer their kid to fill in the bloody complicated forms? AREN’T I SAVING YOU MONEY BY APPLYING TO FINAID? Oh and your excuse is … “you’re not going to get into any of those universities so why bother with the tax forms?”. It’s not like I even asked you to help with the application procedure that bogged up my entire winter break. You make me type up useless charts documenting what I’ve spent on application fees, SAT tests, and postage, and don’t give it a second look when I print off pretty pie graphs for you. I emptied out half of my meagre savings because I supposedly “over spent the budget”.

Of course, it’s all my fault.

You nag me constantly about the pettiest things, and it never, ever, ends. You were critical when I had perfect marks. You were critical when I was nine and I had to make rice every night for dinner when all the other kids were outside playing tag. You were critical when I complained about moving from city to city every few years, never staying at a school for more than two years. It’s like you have a self-recording list inside your heads and you recite off of them loudly to each other in the other room so that I could hear. SAY IT TO MY FACE IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS. Everytime I’m sad or mad, why do you think it’s something at school, and not you guys who are the problem?

Of course, it’s all my fault.

People wonder why I’m so critical of others and now I know: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Out of all of this, can’t you tell that I am, and will always be, most critical on myself?

That’s my fault too.

You know so little about my life, yet attempt to spy and control so many aspects of it. You don’t know that I rarely say extreme things because I’m afraid of regretting them later, like now. You don’t know that I see myself as a silly little girl who has too many pointless problems. You don’t know that I cry myself to sleep on way too many nights. Too stupid. Too lazy. Too useless. That’s all you know.

When I stay up late to finish projects and assignments, DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT I ENJOY THEM?! It’s for the sake of finishing and for good marks that I bother. Ah but yes, I procrastinated.

Of course, it’s all my fault.

You think I spend so much time online because it’s brainless fun. Entertainment. You think I blog because I’d rather not do homework. You think I blast my music because it’s rebellious behaviour. The truth is, I’m avoiding the world and avoiding the persona I put on for the world. There are so many parts of me that I despise, and yes, I am a very insecure person. There, I said it. Mum and Dad, why do you turn everything I tell you to some sort of moral lesson that will make me feel bad about myself? I used to trust with my entire heart and soul. Now, if I confide in someone, will that secret come to haunt me in ages and ages hence? I hate it when people tell me they are “proud of me”, because those are the words that my parents uttered with a plastic smile in public to other parents and their children. I hate people’s pity. I’m sorry.

On a day to day basis, it’s pathetic that it’s my history teacher who asks if I’m doing okay. Why won’t you, or any of you for that matter, believe me when I say that I volunteer not for CAS hours or some other stupid shit this education system imposes upon us, but for the knowledge that I gave me time to a greater purpose, instead up wallowing in self-pity?

My fault, really.

To be continued when I give a damn.

Blogged on a Saturday morning, feeling like a self-absorbed idiot.

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6 Responses to “Miserable”

  1. Yingna says:
    March 8, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    I know how you feel. Though, you might not believe it. Just think though: every family is dysfunctional in some way behind closed doors. Obviously, some more than others. But, once you’re out on your own ten years later, you can create whatever fantasy environment you desire :)

    I can only imagine how being an only child makes the problems stand out; oi, this year has been one great ride for me, with my sister gone to college. Being at the center of the magnifying glass is not fun, to say the least.

  2. Holly says:
    March 8, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    I’m sorry you’re going through this rough period, Yingna is right, I imagine being an only child doesn’t make the situation any easier, but once you’re in college, you’ll be able to be whoever you like, and, judging by what I’d seen/read of you from here, you’ll excel because you seem very intelligent and articulate. :)

  3. Lil says:
    March 9, 2008 at 3:06 am

    Don’t feel like you’re a self-absorbed idiot. My parents are insufferable at the best of times. It’s no one’s fault; we are just incompatible. Perhaps it’d do you well to move out for a few weeks/months, maybe with a relative or friend? It’d give you a well deserved break.

  4. Alex says:
    March 9, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    I want to give you a hug because I think it’s terribly unfair that your parents are telling you you won’t get into the schools you applied to; it’s probably one of the worst things a parent say :| Try to keep your eye on the prize for now and revel in the idea of going to school far, far away :) Best of luck with your apps!

  5. Gloria @ Saddeyezz Scraps & Snaps says:
    March 10, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    I want to hug you too…. don’t let your parents drag you down. Some parents forget what it was like to be a kid, to be a teenager, and some parents just don’t care. I’m not saying your parents are like that, but I am saying that I understand. In reading your blog you sound to me like someone who is very intelligent, and who will make it out in the world, you just have to get past this time of your life and once you are an adult you can be anyone you want to be. Good luck hun, Gloria

  6. Kathy@brazocowgirl says:
    March 17, 2008 at 7:30 am

    I came here to do entrecard. I read your first article then I made it further down, and stumbled on this one. I am a mom of a senior, I get your frustration. I did all the FAFSA and Apply Texas, and most of his scholarship apps, he wrote the essays but I did the rest. I know that what we as parents do seem harsh and uncaring. I am not defending your parents at all, I only know that one day you will be able to stand and walk away. You are doing great so far. If you need any help on FAFSA let me know. It is painful, but you have to get through it. My son is too busy to complete everything, and I recognize that many don’t though. I want my son to come out of college owing almost nothing, many don’t get that concept. Cheer up Kid, you sound like you are strong and brave!

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