Becoming Jane the Spinster - A Movie in One Minute (and then some)

Judge: Nephew dearest, because I don’t really like you and you’re a threat to me keeping this enormously [ugly] wig for the rest of my life, I’m sending you to live with our extended family in the countryside.

Tom Lefroy: But I’m CIVILIZED see?! I took boxing lessons and can beat other guys up! You can’t do this! *whines like a brat*

Judge: Haha sucker!

******

Jane Austen: Woot! My sister’s getting married and I’m going to remain single for the rest of my life living on my writing… but here’s a beautifully long piece that I shall read in front of everyone and bore that irritating newcomer Tom to death.

Tom: You bore me to death.

Jane: THAT BASTARD!

******

Lady Gresham: You know what sucks about being stinky rich? Not having an heir to inherit it when I die! Go find yourself a mate nephew.

Mr. Wisley: Marry me Jane!

Jane: You’re a wussie, get out of my way and let me dance with Tom-pompous-LeFroy-who-thinks-male-literaure-pwns-female-ones-but-I’ll-prove-him-false.

Tom: Nice guys finish last *flirts*

Jane: I hate you Tom. I love you Tom. I hate you Tom. I love you Tom.

Mr. Wisley: AUNTYYYYYYYY!!

Tom: Even though we barely know each other, let’s get married! Ooo we meet the grumpy big-wigged uncle again, in London.

Uncle: What’s this? A mysterious letter on a silver platter? Why I must read it two seconds before my nephew asks me a life-shattering question.

Tom: Uncle I have to ask you a life-shattering question. May I have permission to marry Ja-

Uncle: FILTH! SCUM! BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! You will not marry that silly man-player with a disgusting profession. The day a woman can write respectable literature will be the day wizards take over the world!

Tom: Aww shucks Jane, I better listen to my his big-wiggedness. Bye Jane. I had fun making out with you during those balls.

******

Jane: Mr. Wisley! Hi! Mummy dearest told me to marry rich or I’ll have to dig my own potatoes. Since affections supposedly could be learned, here I am. I accept your proposal, have a nice day.

Mr. Wisley: *blink*

Jane: Wait a minute… YOU SENT THAT LETTER. @#$@#@#$

Mr. Wisley: ???

Jane: !!!

Mr. Wisley: =|

Jane: >=(

Tom: Alright I change my mind. Run away with me, but just don’t read any of my the letters that just happen to fall out of my pockets while I occupy myself elsewhere.

Jane: *reads letters* EGAD! He needs his job with his uncle because he has an entire family to support. I’ll be a total bitch if I steal him from that.

Tom: I love you, heart and soul!

Jane: Your family needs you, heart and dough!

Mrs. Austen: SHE’S BACK! SHE’S BACK!

Random background guy that no one noticed before: Looks like you’ve ran out of eligible men. Will you marry me Jane?

Jane: Wtf?!

Guy: You should know I sent the letter-on-a-platter.

Jane: DIE KNUMBSKULL!

******

20-30 years later

Italian Opera Singer: Okay, I have no idea why the director gave me a five minute singing solo. I think it symbolizes the passages of time and the pacification of youthful spirits to the acceptance of their fates… or they just needed more screen time.

40-50 year-old-now-successful-author-Jane: Oooo I have a pretty grey wig!

Tom: *GASP* It’s Jane, what a coincidence! Meet my daughter whom I named…

Jane: *sarcastically* It can’t possibly be Jane could it?

Tom: JANE! Woman you write brilliantly, kiss well AND have a sharp mind.

Little Jane: Miss Austen? THE Miss Austen (that my dad had a wild fling with but failed to marry)?! READ TO ME, I’M SURE MY REAL MUM DOESN’T MIND!

Jane: Hold on… what kind of love story is this? All the guys get married and I’m still single with a pen? No wonder this movie is called Becoming Jane the Spinster!

The End.

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